Untweets, Vol. 1

TWEETS I WOULD TWEET IF I HAD A TWEETER: The April 1-7, 2013 Edition

1. Black coffee and albacore tuna does not constitute an opposites attract scenario.

2. Sometimes my pug-dog looks like an Imperial Walker. Other times he looks like Zuul. Once I caught him looking like Walter Matthau, but he was just really tired.

3. Why is the Sun-Maid maiden on the Natural California Raisins boxes so pale? She’s sitting on the frickin’ sun. She should be a strip of jerky or a name-engraved belt by now.

4. It is truly amazing how many things are wrong with this student’s statement: “Women who are bold and manly enough to reach their points are a plus.”

5. I just told an Asian girl I was proud she walked campus in bare feet. She said she was proud of my beard. Together, we could stop wars between nations and end the world’s hunger for love.

6. Steve Holt!

7. My grandmother’s candy dish contains Skittles. My grandmother’s grandson contains turkey-bacon wrapped testosterone and a framed 8X10 of Michael J. Fox.

8. I just heard a girl in the hallway proclaim, “I just want Carrie Underwood’s legs!” You say cannibalism, I say lesbianism, let’s call the whole thing off!

9. One time I smoked pot, ate some corn chips, and – euphoric with the salty yellowness – asked everyone in my immediate proximity if they have ever eaten a corn chip. I mean, really eaten a corn chip.

10. One time I smoked pot and used my forearms to give birth to myself, convinced if I could get to the other side I’d be reborn a “good boy.”

11. One time I smoked pot and felt assured The Cranberries’ song “Linger” amplified through my fingers, but only because I realized “linger” and “finger” rhymed.

12. One time I smoked pot on a train in South China. Okay, now, I’m just bragging.

13. If I ever decide to do psychedelic drugs, I’m skipping Pink Floyd and going straight to Ke$ha. She’s my kinda high.

14. There should be a biological law for the number of times a person can say the phrase “It wasn’t my fault” before the age of 25.

15. More Shoshanna Shapiro, please!

16. Britney’s “If You Seek Amy” is the best use of a chorused acronym in a pop song since Carman and dc Talk’s “A2J”.

17. Today I ate two Fun Size Snickers in the can. Gotta say, it feels a bit awkward to gain and lose weight simultaneously like that.

18. There’s no such thing as too much gravy.

19. KELLY CLARKSON!!! is better than beer. Maroon 5 is worse than piss.

20. Richard Roeper gave the new Evil Dead one star, but he’s exactly the guy I don’t want liking the new Evil Dead. Thumbs down Roeper, finger up Kiki.

21. After a long look in the mirror, I’ve decided I can totally pull off short shorts. After taking off my long pants. In the dark. Pitch black dark. Alone.

22. The man in the stall next to me should never eat at Cracker Barrel again. His situation sounded like something in a Lloyd Kaufman film.

23. I spend loads of emotional energy worrying about my dog’s emotional energy.

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About Kiki Malone

Girding till the break of dawn.
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